Last week a dear friend of mine revealed her pregnancy to me, then immediately apologized. She knew the struggle that Joe and I had been going through, and knew on a personal level how difficult infertility problems could be. She asked if I was okay, and it dawned on me that I really, really was.
I don’t know when it happened, but sometime in the last year God gave me a peace about potentially not being able to have a baby. I don’t know if it was in realizing how much work having a teenager can really be, or perhaps it’s realizing that I enjoy travelling and doing so as often as we have been wouldn’t be possible for a couple of years if we had a baby, or maybe it’s that I finally started the path towards my lifelong dream of a graduate degree a few months ago. Whatever it was God has shown me that maybe now is not the time I need to be working on adding to my family, but instead I need to work on strengthening myself and my bond with the family I already have.
It’s been wonderful not taking my temperature every single day, not looking at the calendar ALL OF THE TIME, not spending a small fortune on pregnancy tests, not having to plan romantic time around certain days of the month (especially when you’re not even sure what those days are of if an egg will drop that month or not). I have enjoyed not seeing my doctor more than I see many of my friends. Mostly, I have enjoyed not dealing with the crippling depression that comes along with infertility struggles.
I even made a post on Facebook about how wonderfully at peace I’ve been.
And then yesterday at church a baby smiled at me.
I have never been a fan of roller coasters, yet now I’m on the biggest one ever constructed. It’s called the Emotioncoaster and it is about to have a pretty severe drop. Let’s just hope that I can hold on until it goes back up.